March 12th, 2008
Hey everyone, Im new to this community, not really. I actually used to post over on The Purge all the time, took some time away trying to recover, and yea, all it did was make me gain weight and spiral me further down the dark hole of depression. So, I'm back. Not sure how much I'll post since work has me pretty tied down, but... ill try to make it a point to read and comment as much as possible.
Im off to the Carrie Underwood, Keith Urban concert, then once I get home its bp time! Hopefully my gag reflex will decide to show its face tonight, lately everytime Ive been bingeing I KNOW its a horrible idea because the purges have been totally horrid, but every day I bp all I can think is, "maybe todays the day my gag comes back". I can only hope.
Anyway, heres a little about me, and Ill get pics up at some point in the week or so.
Age: 20 - 21 in August 5 MORE MONTHS!!
Starting Weight: 230 lbs
Current Weight: 165
Ive been bulimic for a little over two years now, not sure why it started. I was a compulsive over-eater and closet eater since I was about 6 or 7 years old, and then one day I remember stuffing myself (which at the time was a "normal" amount of food for my fat body), and I walked into the bathroom, looked in the mirror and went, 'Wow, not cool', bent over the toilet, stuck my fingers down my throat and out everything came. From that moment on I was addicted, it wasnt horrible at first, I only purged maybe once or twice a week, and was working out every day. Then something clicked and I began to actually BINGE, then purge, and restrict in between the bp sessions. Over the past year ive gone from purging well using just my fingers, to literally having to rape my throat with a toothbrush to get anything up. Ive yo-yo'd from 145-165 pounds over the last 6 months and now am back to 165, a place I was stuck at for all of 2007 and its driving me insane!!!
Anyway, I'm a flake at school, Im signed up, but hardly ever go, I pretty much go to work, come home, bp, play with my dog, occasionally go ride my horses, bp again, sleep, wake up - repeat. Im in a pretty low point of my life right now, ive abused laxatives, pills, diet pills, and diuretics in the past but since moving back in with my parents - a choice Im regretting and cant wait to get out of right now - they've locked up all the pills. I am a cutter, my arms, legs and stomach are scarred beyond belief.
I dont know if this will ever stop and honestly.... I dont want it to. This disease is not a disease to me, its my friend.... how sick and twisted is that?
anyway...thats me, in a nutshell.
oh and yes, my icon is me... I work at a Haunted House every year... :) ♥
Current Location: california
Current Mood: frustrated
Current Music: Kill - Jimmy Eat World
is this mellie as is csimellie?? as in lifeinthestarz??
or starz something! you have the pirate tattoo right?
yeap, thats me. My account was kinda hacked into, and then my parents found my other one, so, I needed to lay low and delete that account, start a new one, hide it... all that jazz.
Yes, its me... you have no idea how many people know me as "the girl with the pirate tattoo"...lol
I'm glad you're back. Wait, but not glad you're back cause your recovery failed. I really meant I remember you... Why I didn't delete that first part I don't know. Hahaha.
thanks, its cool... :) recovery is over-rated.